Dreams

Last night had to be one of the strangest ever, probably because I missed a couple of doses of medicine that I normally take for MS. In addition, so that I could enjoy the evening, I had taken an additional dose of medication designed to fight fatigue. A friend said that some of the drugs I'm taking affect the chemistry of my brain and I believe it!

I attended my book group yesterday evening and had a wonderful time. Each woman in the group is so interesting and magnificent in her own way -- I feel very blessed to be a part of it. We discussed The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, the true story of how the author grew up in appalling poverty and neglect despite being part of an intact nuclear family. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother had some mental issues, but the author is now a successful journalist and author. Most of members of the group agreed that they enjoyed this book, although (of course) we spent some time discussing its weaknesses.

I got home about 10 and watched the Emmy Awards with Ron (we had taped it), but when they got over about midnight I wasn't tired. I read for another hour and I was still wide-awake. I tried to sleep anyway. That was a mistake.

When I closed my eyes, I saw crazy patterns and flashing circles -- it put me in mind of the Beatles Yellow Submarine or hallucinations I imagine you might see if you took LSD (my wildest drug experience during the 70s was limited to eating some Alice B. Toklas brownies then watching the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey).

When I did get to sleep I had vivid strange dreams: in one I chased an errant trick-or-treater through an apartment, caught him and turned him upside down. Pretty amazing feat I must say. In all my dreams, I am able-bodied, even supernaturally empowered -- running, hiking, swimming, even flying. Wish fulfillment I guess. Anyway today I am back to normal (whatever that means) and will get onto the regular schedule of drugs.

A side note: when I saw my doctor last she said that some of the people who have multiple sclerosis are taking as many as 30 drugs. I take three. I guess I should feel good about that.

E. E. Cummings

While decidedly NOT a poet, I appreciate the poems of E.E Cummings. They are usually short and accessible, both important qualities to me as a non-poet. In high school, we studied some of his popular (and least opaque) poems like "in Just" and "anyone lived in a pretty how town."

His poem "Buffalo Bill''s" is a favorite:


Buffalo Bill's
defunct
who used to
ride a watersmooth-silver
stallion
and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlikethat
Jesus

he was a handsome man
and what i want to know is
how do you like your blueeyed boy
Mister Death

Today, I started reading from a book on my shelf, a selection of poems by E.E. Cummings. Here is one that particularly stands out to me:

in time of daffodils(who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so(forgetting seem)

in time of roses(who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if,remember yes

in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek(forgetting find)

and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me,remember me

Doc Holland

John "Doc" Holland passed away Tuesday. He was a member of our church and I got to know him about 10 years ago when he headed up the church's Benevolence committee. He treated every request with careful consideration and I very much respected both his wisdom and genuine humility. He was a great example of a true Christian. I was very blessed to know him.

Obituary from the State Journal-Register

SPRINGFIELD - John Madison Holland, MD, 82, of Springfield, went to be with the Lord at 12:35 pm, Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at St. John's Hospice surrounded by family members. He was born October 7, 1927 in Holden, WV, the son of O.I. and Lou Vena Holland. He married Mary Louise Bourne in Harrodsburg, KY in 1950. They have three children; John David (wife Margaret) Holland of Chatham, Stephen Lee Holland (friend: Lois Walsh) of Saratoga Springs, NY and Nancy Louise (husband Randy) Pickett of Chatham; seven grandchildren Andrew Holland, Peter (Leanne) Holland, Charissa (Lucas) Motley, Rebecca Holland, Brent (Ashley) Pickett, Matt Pickett and Melissa Pickett and 1 great grandson Ethan.

He graduated from Eastern Kentucky University in 1949 and University of Louisville Medical School in 1952. After graduating he went into training at St. Joseph Infirmary in Louisville. He served from 1953-1955 in the US Air Force Medical Service as a Captain in Pennsylvania. Dr. Holland began practicing family medicine with Dr. Paul LaFata in Springfield, IL in 1955 which became the Physicians Group, where he practiced until 1980. He served as St. John's Hospital's first Medical Director from 1971-1995. He then served as Medical Director for St. John's Hospice from 1995-2010. He was active in developing the Community Blood Bank and paramedic programs. He served 12 years in the State Professional Medical Licensure Board. Since the 1980's he was a Clinical Professor of Family Practice with the SIU School of Medicine teaching end of life and hospice care. He was a Past President of St. John's Hospital Medical Staff and The Illinois Academy of Family Physicians. In 1970 he became a Charter Member of the American Board of Family Practice and in 2001 a member of the American Board of Palliative and Hospice Medicine. He was a member of South 7th Street-Cherry Hills Baptist Church since 1957. He was active in several building programs and Co-Chaired the Church's 100th Anniversary Committee in 2004. He was also a deacon and Sunday School teacher.

With life membership in the Sangamon County Medical Society he has chaired the Community Health Committee, leading the 1995-2005 efforts toward merging the City and County Health Departments. His Honors have included the Illinois State Medical Society, Public Service Award in 1996, the March of Dimes Humanitarianism Award in 2001, the SIU Family Practice Resident "Teacher of the Year" Award in 2003 and the Copley (Illinois State Journal Register) First Citizen Award in 2004. He received the John M. Holland, MD Community Health Service Award, which was created in his honor, and presented to him, by the Sangamon County Medical Society in 2007.

He enjoyed gardening, model trains and spending time with his family.

A visitation will be from 3-7 p.m., Sunday, August 29, 2010 at Cherry Hills Baptist Church. A lie in state will be held at Cherry Hills Baptist Church from 10:30-11 a.m., Monday, August 30, 2010 with a funeral service at 11 a.m., with Pastor Jeff Nelsen and Reverend David Holland officiating. Burial will be in Oak Ridge Cemetery.

Memorials may be made to Cherry Hills Baptist Building Fund or St. John's Hospital Foundation for Hospice.

The Bel-Aire Manor Motel

The Bel-Aire Manor Motel in Springfield has fascinated me since the early 1980s when I arrived here. Back then, it was more well kept, but little has been done in the ensuing 30 years and now it appears to be a place for the down-and-out to land.

The Bel-Aire has all the quintessential 60s details that I remember so well: the satellite ball with the multicolored spikes evoking Sputnik and the Jetsons, a fountain with a seal shooting water from his mouth (or at least he used to), a in-ground outdoor swimming pool (also not in use), and a sign with a colonial-looking gentleman welcoming you. Even the name of the place, Bel-Aire, is evocative of a simpler time.

There is a move afoot to resurrect this place as a Route 66 Museum. I haven't ever been inside this beautiful landmark, but I am guessing that it would take lots of money to restore it. A grant has been applied for, but in the meantime, occasionally a resident is injured or killed walking across busy 5th Street to the convenience store, and the neighborhood residents don't like the occupants of the hotel -- and I can't say I would either. Still, it would be a shame to lose this weird 60s landmark.

Hollyhocks

When I came out of the hair salon today I saw a pink hollyhock growing in the corner of parking lot. The salon is in an old house in an old Springfield neighborhood and it makes sense that hollyhocks would be growing in this area, since they are kind of an old-fashioned flower. It was nice to see this pink flowering plant growing up in such a relatively desolate place.

When I was a child, we kids spent a week or two with my grandparents, my mother's folks, on the farm near LaHarpe, Illinois where she and her sister grew up. For entertainment, my sister and I made hollyhock dolls.

It's easy to make a hollyhock doll: You pick a blooming hollyhock, whatever color you like, and use it for the skirt of the doll, then you pick a bud and use it for the head. These are fun to play with and twirl around.

Frank Lloyd Wright designed a house in Los Angeles using the hollyhock motif, called (oddly enough) Hollyhock House. According to the website, "The house takes its name from the favorite flower of Aline Barnsdall. At her request, hollyhocks were incorporated into the decorative program of the house, and stylized representations of the flower may be found on the roofline, walls, columns planters and furnishings."
It's open to the public and I would love to see it some day.

Satisfaction

In the immortal words of the Mick Jagger "I can't get no satisfaction." But, in my case anyway, Mick was wrong. I felt very satisfied when I completed the project I worked on for most of the day yesterday.

I am editor for the bimonthly volunteer newsletter for the Dana-Thomas House, the Volunteer Voice. This month that meant that I met with the volunteer coordinator for the house and the director of the gift shop, gathered article ideas, wrote the articles, sized and wrote captions for the photos (someone else did take the pictures), laid out the newsletter and sent the PDF for review.

Maybe it is such a satisfying project because I do almost everything and I am given a lot of control. Or maybe it's because I feel like I am performing a needed service or because I am so comfortable with these tasks. I'm not sure what makes this so nice to work on, but it is.

One of the photos from the funeral reinactment of Lawrence Joergen-Dahl
in the September/October Volunteer Voice.

I need to find more projects like this that involve social interaction and use my writing and publishing skills. This opportunity came my way a few years ago when the volunteer coordinator let me do it to stay involved since I had to give up giving tours. It has been a real blessing, especially now. I thank God for it.

Fun at the Fair

Yesterday afternoon we went to the Illinois State Fair. It is held here in Springfield every year and it is usually unbearably hot; however, we've had great weather and yesterday was absolutely beautiful, maybe getting up to 80 degrees at the most. When the girls were young, I used to take them every year to ride the rides and spend money on t-shirts and food, but since they have grown up, we haven't gone out too much.

I took my scooter and it made a huge difference in my ability to get around. We were amazed that there were so many people on scooters and in golf carts, many appearing to be perfectly able-bodied. Hmmm...

We spent a lot of time in Happy Hollow, watching the BMX, bear and aerial shows. Then we went up the hill to the Artisans building and saw the amateur and professional art exhibits. After that we caught the commercial exhibits at the Expo building and listened to a band at the Ethnic Village. Fair food was wonderful: a Cuban limeade, the obligatory corndog, lemonade shakeups, reuben sandwich, beer, baklava, and mini doughnuts to top off the evening. (State J-R photo)

What a great day!

Windmills

Last night as we were driving back from Elgin after taking the rest of Chelsea's things to her, I spied a row of flashing red lights that stretched from the west horizon across the flat farmland all the way to the east. Ron said they must be warning lights on tops of the big energy- producing windmills we'd seen on the way up.

Ron pointed out one that was out of synch. When the rest of lights went dark, it flashed red through the night. "There's always one," he said, and it's true. There's one person in every group who sticks out: either because they're a rebel or just different.

I thought of the windmills this morning when I was watching Today. Matt interviewed a woman who had lost her short-term memory and couldn't remember things that happened after 1994. She said she just wanted to be like everyone else, but it occurred to me that she and her husband wouldn't be on Today if she was. It's our differences that set us apart and make us special, whether they are good or bad. I guess I should be thankful for the difference that I have.

Ron's photo of a Dwight windmill is above

70s movies

Yesterday, I watched a movie that I have always wanted to see, the Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, a movie that was critically acclaimed when it came out in 1972. The decade of the 70s was a time of great artistic ferment (plus lots of nudity) in the movies, and there were many well-reviewed movies that came out during that decade: Cries and Whispers, Being There, McCabe and Mrs. Miller, Don't Look Now, the list goes on.

But because I spent the first part of the 70s in Creston, Iowa, I didn't see any of them. Instead I hid out in the library, reading magazines like the New Yorker in which the movies were reviewed by exuberant critics, who proclaimed them masterpieces. In Creston, there was one movie theater and a Clint Eastwood film festival (Hang 'Em High, A Fistful of Dollars, and For A Few Dollars More) on New Year's Eve was pretty neat.

In 1973, I went to college at Iowa State and worked in the library, sneaking off to read movie reviews whenever I could; however, at the time I was more interested in drinking beer and having sex, so I didn't see a lot of "art" films then either. A group of us did go to the triple X theatre (they had those back then) to see Deep Throat, but I was so freaked out by the idea of it that I left before the racy stuff even started (must have been in the first 5 minutes).

Anyway, now I can record 70s movies when they are on cable TV, but sadly I have concluded that many of them were overrated. Perhaps they were fearless and groundbreaking in the 70s, but most seem dated and self-conscious now. And isn't that the way life is? You look forward to things that turn out to be overrated, but the real pleasure comes from experiences like going for coffee with your daughter, seeing a play with friends, having dinner with your in-laws, or going for a boat ride with your husband.

Tony Judt and ALS

Tony Judt died on Friday at the age of 62 of the neural muscular disease ALS. He described ALS as progressive imprisonment without parole. First, you lose the use of a digit or two, then one limb, then all four.

I heard his interview rebroadcast on Fresh Air and I was inspired by his eloquence and his attitude when faced with a chronic disease. Here are some excerpts from the interview (highlights are mine).

In my case, I survive quite comfortably at one level because this is one of the worst diseases you can imagine, but it has no pain. So you have a lot of time in your untroubled head to think out of body, so to speak, about why, the reasons why the body doesn't work, the implications of being immobile for hours on end.
...
I think the only life experience that I have to offer out of this is something we all know in the abstract but don't experience in practice very much. That is that you can survive an awful lot of bad stuff, so long as your mind is intact. ...

Then in time, what can I do? I think, well, I can still boss people around. I can still write, admittedly with the help of an assistant, can still read. I can still eat, and I can still have very strong views. But what it does do is mean that you mustn't, mustn't, mustn't - and I would give the same advice to anyone in any remotely similar disease - you mustn't focus on what you can't do.

If you sit around and think, I wish I could walk, then you'll just be miserable. But if you sit and turn around and think, what's the next piece I'm going to write, then you may not be happy, but you certainly won't wallow in misery. And so it's an active choice every day to renew my interest in something that my head can do, so I don't think about the body.
....
The risk with something like ALS, ... the risk is not that you do mean or bad things. It's that they (your family) lose a sense of your presence, that you stop being omnipresent in their lives. ...So it seems to be my responsibility, particularly to my children, also to my wife and friends, is not to be Pollyanna and pretend everything's okay - no one would take me seriously if I said that - but it's to be as present in their lives now as I can be so that in years to come they don't feel either guilty or bad at my having been left out of their lives, that they feel still a very strong - not a memory of particular actions but a memory of a complete family rather than a broken one.
...
...when I first read Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis," thinking for many years as a child, teenager, what would it be like to wake up in your bed as a cockroach?

What would your parents say? What would your wife say? Would they run away? Would they pretend it wasn't happening? How would you handle it? And between that and a sense I always had that Lou Gehrig's disease was something terrible I ought to know more about because, of course, I'm interested in baseball and my kids are, I had a kind of - not premonition but a sense that of all the diseases that I might end up with, this would be the worst. Because it would be a challenge to my relationships with the outside world - could live in my head, that's easy, but dealing with people when you're in a wheelchair and a quadriplegic it's very hard, because you spend your time putting them at ease, rather than they spending their time putting you at ease.

And so I think the answer to your question is that I had no conception of what was about to hit me. I wasn't prepared for it. It's a new stage in life. You wouldn't ask for it but you've got to face it and do something.

Listen to the whole interview on Fresh Air from WHYY

The play's the thing

I'll have grounds More relative than this—the play's the thing Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King.
Hamlet Act 2, scene 2, 603–605

I am taking an online playwriting class from Writers University because I know absolutely nothing about playwriting and I am attempting to adapt part of my book, Water and Fire, as a play to be produced at the .Dana-Thomas House next spring. It is very exciting to me and this opportunity comes at a good time. Chelsea went back to school today and working on those makes me miss her a little less.

The assignment for this week, the last week of the class, was to write the first five pages of the play. I worked on it this afternoon and got a first draft done. Ron read it tonight and pronounced it good. I think the only obstacle to overcome is the physical one -- the play needs to be put on in the Dana-Thomas House and therefore the settings are limited. However, I believe it can be done and it is a wonderful opportunity for me as a writer.

Like almost every other writer, I have cast my novel as the screenplay with all my favorite actors. Here for my enjoyment is my "dream team":

Sheba -- Thandie Newton






Mrs. Dana -- Ethel Barrymore (yes, I know she's dead, but I saw her in Rasputin and the Empress last night and I really think she would be great)




Frank Lloyd Wright -- Sean Penn








Vachel Lindsay -- Vincent Kartheiser (from Mad Men)








Thomas Cartwright -- Tristan Wilds (just found him online and thought he looked nice)





Cousin Flora -- Agnes Moorehead (yeah, she's dead too)





Ok, I couldn't think of anyone for Governor and Mrs. Dineen or the medium!

Sharing God's favor

As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you."I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation.
2 Corinthians 6:1-2

The sermon today was on the favor that Esther received from King Xerxes and we were asked to share our favor with others.

I have been extremely favored by God. Here are some of the many blessings in my life:

Emily and Chelsea, my daughters and their significant others - Jake and Chris

Ron, my husband

Wally - my cockatiel

Getting to retire and enjoy the gift of time

A comfortable house

A car and the ability to drive it

No financial hardships

Maddy, the third grader I mentor

My friends -- too many to name.

My ability to write and the software and computer knowledge to do it

My book group

My small group

My church

My mother and siblings

God

This list could go on longer, but that's enough for now! Got to get started sharing my many blessings.

A wedding and a funeral

Today was busy because I attended a "funeral" in the morning and began to plan a wedding in the afternoon.

This morning, I served as a mourner for the reenactment of Lawrence Joergen-Dahl's funeral at the Dana-Thomas House. I wore a long black skirt and dark jacket and decided to borrow one of Chelsea's head bands for a somewhat suitable funeral headpiece. I was interested in just being a part of the event; because I am so disabled I knew that I wouldn't be able to do much. When I pulled in the parking lot, I was delighted to see Susan's original horse and carriage. It was going to be used for the funeral reenactment. Many of the other mourners were costumed in authentic looking Victorian funeral garb complete with hats. As a mourner, I feigned sadness during the mock funeral.

This afternoon, I met with Emily and Jake and her dad and his wife and Jake's mother at one of the venues we're considering for their wedding/reception. It is a beautiful location and the coordinator was helpful and nice. I would like to go with this location if we can. This will be a wonderful event and I can hardly wait. I hope that I can be some assistance to Emily, since she is working full time and pretty stressed out.

Two major events in one day -- what will tomorrow bring?

PechaKucha Night

Last night we attended PechaKucha Night at a bar in Springfield. This was a new thing for me and probably for most people there. At a Pechakucha Night each speaker presents 20 slides and spends 20 seconds on each. By adhering to this format, presenters are able to keep their a presentations succinct and to the point.

One of my friends is on the ad hoc committee that organized the first PechaKucha Night in Springfield, so we met her and her husband there. The place was packed -- about 170 people crammed into the bar, mostly people around our age. In the front was a large screen and a podium where each presenter stood to talk about the images flashing on the screen.

There were 9 presenters, a real mixed bag. Some presentations were very self-serving, commercials for the presenter's business. Other presenters seem to have understood the idea better. I like a couple of these very much: a jazz musician who recited song lyrics while surreal images flashed behind him and a woman who sang part of her presentation on bee-keeping.

It was fun, but probably not for the reasons it should have been. As a friend observed, we middle-aged people don't go to bars much, so it was unique. Also we knew lots of people there, and the emcee was "older" too. Just a fun time.

Maybe we'll go to the next one in October and see if the quality has improved.

Boating, pizza and Mad Men

Yesterday, Ron and I borrowed his parents boat and went out on Lake Springfield for a couple of hours. It was the end of a long hot Sunday afternoon and there were still water skiers, but it was less crowded than it had been earlier. We explored some inlets and followed the shoreline around, looking for a club that Emily might get married at next fall, but we couldn't find it. We did find signs for lake clubs that we never knew existed and admired the woods that border Lincoln Memorial Gardens. The private houses on the lake were beautiful with well-manicured yards stretching under large trees down to the water. Almost everyone has a big boat dock and boat house. All I could think of was how expensive it must be to live at the lake.

After we returned, Ron's mother was waiting at the dock with the golf cart to take me back up to the house. We ate pizza with his parents then watched Mad Men. A really great evening - slept like a log.

Our backyard is teaming with wildlife! Here are a toad and a tree frog Ron photographed last night.

Back to School

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." -- Phyllis Diller

Today after church, the Single Moms Ministry had a back-to-school luncheon for the church's single moms and their kids. It was the first event that I had attended since rejoining the leadership team as an ex-officio member, and I was impressed that there were close to 50 attendees.

My friend started this ministry back about 2001, when she, a newly married single mom, felt a need to provide assistance and love for this very important (and underserved) group. She felt frustrated and unable to cope at times, so as a former single mom, I joined her, helping her through some rough patches.

Now the ministry is mature and is moving forward to provide concrete assistance to these women and their children. When I left the ministry in 2008, my friend hosted a lovely, memorable dinner for me. It meant the world to me, so when she asked me to help out with three single moms, but I was happy to oblige. I am enjoying the feeling of usefulness I have and the company of the moms.